Not Today

semicolonLoss. Grief. Depression.

All of the above really. (And, if I’m totally honest, that nasty S word that’s still a taboo).

Another oldie with a melody I vaguely remember…

Not Today

Dropped a stone into the abyss,
Now waiting for the sound,
Of the echo to come back to me,
When the stone has hit the ground.
But not today,
No, not today.

Peered into the jaws of death,
With a blade against my wrist,
Waiting for Beelzebub,
To take away his gift.
But, not today,
No, not today.

When your mind is somehow frozen,
Your soul lost in the darkest night.
Your heart may keep on beating,
But it’s impossible to write.
Not today,
No, not today.

Looked the devil in the eye,
And locked, and held his gaze,
But the image of his icy stare,
I still just can’t erase.
But, not today,
No, not today.

Haemorrhaging emotions,
‘Til the hurting’s washed away.
There’s no words, dreams, or feelings,
And nothing left to say.
No, not today.
Not today…

20th August 1999

 

 

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Coming to terms with rejection

change-curveI’ve been a bit lax recently in posting so here’s a few to make up for it. A selection that  kind of go together as a set. Lost love, sigh. (& the woman who taught me what a broken heart really feels like)

Not my best work by a long, long shot (Weeell, except for the second and fifth ones, I quite like them). But taken as a  series of scribbles, I can look back and trace the grief curve through them as a collection.

 All from late 2002 and early 2003.


Denial:

Tell me

Tell me your dreams,
& tell me why,
You be the spider,
I’ll be the fly.

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Tell me you’re thoughts,
& fantasies too,
You lure me in,
& make them come true.

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Whisper to me,
You’re darkest desires,
& we can extract them
we can entrap them
we can enact them
– make them real for a moment

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Open to you
Secrets kept safe
Locked in you’re heart
Or minds Prison cage

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Tell me your dreams,
& tell me why,
I’ll be the spider,
you be the fly…


Anger:

Tissue of lies

Tissue of lies,
– a strange fabric of choice for a strange fabrication,
Transparently thin, gossamer delicate,
But deceptively strong with only passing investigation.

Tissue of lies,
In mansize three-ply boxes,
You pass them around to dry crocodile tears in,
And wipe away the mascara scar trails with.
Two hundred sheets,
Plenty more where they came from,
Discarding one for the next as they fill waste-paper baskets.

Tissue of lies,
To erase the deceit,
That passes your lips,
Whose traces linger,
In Max Factor crimson.

Tissue of lies,
A pastel rainbow of choices,
Choose the colour with care for your next deceptive conquest…


Bargaining :

Rainbows & Roses

Is it over?
Don’t say it’s over.
I don’t want, to hear goodbye.
I can feel,
All your confusion,
But I don’t want, to make you cry.

We were rainbows,
Rainbows & Roses,
Give us a chance, another try.
You’re letting slip,
Something so precious,
Rainbows will fade, & roses die.

I still feel,
Your love around me,
When its quiet, & I close my eyes.
It keeps me safe,
When I’m tird & cold,
& its still there, when I rise.

& I don’t want to feel like this any more,
Feel’s like life has kicked me ‘cross the floor,
You were my Oasis & I was yours,
We were safe behind closed doors.

I know you’re scared,
I know you’re hurting,
I am too, need you by my side.
Still love & want you,
Please just trust your feelings,
No need to run, no need to hide.

I’m lost here,
Here without you,
But I look up, in starry skies.
Just tell me,
You still want me,
& then to you – I’ll fly.


More Bargaining:

Triangles & Squares (An apology)

I gave to you, that which you lacked from him.
And that which she could not accept from me.
I gave in the hope that perhaps one day,
You might want to give it back to me.
I also pretended to myself that I was giving unconditionally,
But its clear now that that presumption was folly.
I also suspect, that you all along knew the assumption I failed to see.
& that was why you walked away.
Or maybe what it was, was that you needed the gift,
To come to you from him not me.
But the irony was that I could see
That for all his words, he was not capable of giving to you.

So now we find ourselves.
Me here.
You there.
Both alone.
Licking our wounds & injured pride.

So what is next?
Will our friendship be rekindled anew?
Or are our paths now set to part?
Yours to the left, mine to the right.
Perhaps only time will tell.


Grief:

The TV set

It was like watching TV.
An old black and white set.
Grainy picture.
Hissing, crackling sound.
But it was all that had ever been experienced and known.
The rental company turned up oneday.
And put a shiny new digital surround sound technicolor one in its place.
So vibrant.
So crisp and clear.
Near perfect.
So much more – a whole new experience in televisual entertainment.
But they came back.
Took it away.
Said it had been a mistake.
Put the old one back in its place.
It doesn’t get used anymore though.

I want the new one back.


Realisation:

Beware the Eyes of March

Eyes of an angel,
Eyes of steel grey,
Eyes like diamonds,
Eyes watching their prey.

I’ll never erase the look that night,
As your eyes glazed over in rapture.
As we blended our souls,
On brown sweaty leather.
As we fueled eachother,
Unleashing a passion.

Locked in a frenzy,
Looks of desire,
Eyes hiding nothing,
As we fucked by the fire.

But something was missing,
As you gazed up at me,
Biting yout lip –
became plain to see.

Your eyes told me secrets,
Your eyes told me all,
The lies that you lips said,
– I’d been played for a fool.

Eyes full of ice,
Eyes full of venom.
Eyes full of acid.
Eyes full of poison.


Acceptance :

Gentler Times

Maybe once again in more gentler times,
I’ll be yours again & you’ll be mine,
Punishment we’ve chosen doesn’t fit our crimes,
But maybe things will change in gentler times.

Maybe sometime in less damaged lives,
We’ll know each other from the look in our eyes,
& We won’t hurt each other & recognise the signs,
Because we’ll be living in more gentler times.

Maybe we’ll find in simpler days,
We’ll see the whole spectrum – no more shades of grey,
Then we’ll understand & won’t fade away,
& We’ll be together in simpler days.

Maybe someday I’ll believe it when I say I don’t miss you.
Sometime I’ll believe that I don’t need you still.
Maybe one day I’ll believe it when I say I don’t want you.
Someday I’ll believe that I don’t love you still.

Maybe sometime in less damaged lives,
We’ll know each other from the look in our eyes,
I’ll be yours again & you’ll be mine,
& That’ll be the sign of more gentler times.

200112300901lh3p

On Break-ups…

abbeyPerhaps the worse thing about a break up of a relationship is reduced/lose of contact with your children.

(And maybe the second worse thing is letting yourself get maudlin about it 😉 )

Salmon Abbey

The evenings are the hardest times,
– The good times seem to have passed.
But I’ll sit alone another night,
Peering at the bottom of a glass.
I wish I were there, with you
To kiss your eyes goodnight,
Hear you breathing in your sleep,
Relentless missing gives me no respite.

The mornings are the hardest times,
Because I miss you both so much.
Gaze at my pictures of you,
knowing you’re beyond my touch.
I wish I couldn’t feel as much,
Then I wouldn’t feel the pain,
Sacrifice the pleasure,
If it meant I could stay sane.

I just want to be with you,
I just want to hold you close,
To turn your tears to smiles,
I don’t want to let you go.
I just want to be with you,
And there’s no words to say,
The guilt I feel inside,
Don’t want to be so far away.

Afternoons are the hardest times,
Because you’re always on my mind.
The lose I feel, without you near,
Constant cross to which I’m now resigned.
I wish I were there, with you
To kiss your eyes goodnight,
Hear you breathing in your sleep,
Relentless missing gives me no respite.

I just want to share your joy,
I just want to hear you laugh,
I just want to feel you close,
But it’s torn my heart in half.
I just want to be with you,
And there’s no words to say,
The guilt I feel inside,
Don’t want to be so far away.

I just want to be with you,
And there’s no words to say,
The guilt I feel inside,
Don’t want to be so far away.

13th April 1999


sine.jpgThen there’s also the division of the marital properties…

(Mike did turn this one into a song, although when I wrote it, I had been listening to a lot of “The Beautiful South” – I loved their word play & the way, a dark or maudlin lyric would be juxtaposed with a happy joyful tune – this one also works to one of their songs, but I can’t for the life of me remember which one)

Sine Waves

We’re like two sine waves,
That are out of phase,
Only pass twice in 360 degrees,
Once on the decline, and again on the raise,
Two sine waves out of phase.

Take care of the kids,
Keep the house, and the car,
If that’s what it costs,
Because it’s gone on too far.
Feed the fish and cats,
Take my keys, change the locks,
Take the shirt off my back,
And empty the bank.

We’re like two sine waves,
That are out of phase,
Only pass twice in 360 degrees,
Once on the decline, and again on the raise,
Two sine waves out of phase.

There’s no body else,
But I want to be free,
I don’t love you,
And you don’t love me,
So call in the lawyers,
Let them start their feed,
On a broken down marriage,
And a love gone to seed.

We’re like two sine waves,
That are out of phase,
Only pass twice in 360 degrees,
Once on the decline, and again on the raise,
Two sine waves out of phase.

Take care of the kids,
Keep the house, and the car,
If that’s what it costs,
Because it’s gone on too far.
Feed the fish and cats,
Take my keys, change the locks,
Take the shirt off my back,
And empty the bank.
Empty the bank.

10th November 1998


 

HareBut before all that, there’s the feeling of emptiness & being trapped when you know it’s done it’s course, but have yet to take a step to resolve it.

Creatures of Habit.

We’re just creatures of habit,
Safe in our comfort zone.
Self imposed prisoners,
To scared to claim our thrones.
We’re just creatures of habit,
Won’t push on the envelope,
Denying the problems there,
‘Case we’re unable to cope.

Creature’s of habit,
Like scared little rabbits,
Creature’s of habit,

We’re just creatures of habit,
Frozen in headlights glare,
Burying heads in the sand,
Avoiding the poachers snare.
We’re just creatures of habit,
Circles closing so tightly now,
Smothering feelings,
Side stepping ensuing row.

Creature’s of habit,
Like scared little rabbits,
Creature’s of habit,

We’re just creatures of habit,
Tired of the perpetual tension,
Pulling each other apart,
In apposing directions.
We’re just creatures of habit,
Safe in our comfort zone.
Self imposed prisoners,
To scared to claim our thrones.

Creature’s of habit,
Like scared little rabbits,
Creature’s of habit.

3rd February 1999


Then of course there’s all the recriminations. (Ouch! This one does read back as bitter & twisted, boy do I feel mean now :/ )Animal-fight-club (1).jpg

Are you sleeping OK?
Do you know what you put me through?
I haven’t loved you for a long time,
I should hate you – but I don’t,
There’s nothing there.
And you won’t punish me any more,
It was OUR mistake, not mine alone.

See yourself as the victim, don’t you?
Does it help justify the way you made me feel?
Just for the record, the only real victims were the kids.
But look deep inside you,
Do you feel any remorse?
But that’s beyond you, isn’t it?

Have you found happiness now?
Well it didn’t take you long,
Does he fill the void I didn’t?
Or are you proving to yourself, you’re still desirable?
But just for the record,
I didn’t think you were for a long time.

Well I’m free now – emancipated from your venom,
I’m doing better than I’ve done for a long time,
I’ve taken the reins,
You were holding the chains,
Suffocating, owning,
Controlling, smothering,
Ultimately killing.

I don’t feel anything anymore,
Except maybe regret for the wasted years,
If I could hate you, that would suggest
You’re worthy of wasting energy and feelings over,
And ‘though you’re the mother of my children,
You’re not worth it

1st August 1999


Not to mention the Anger.finger

Can’t Touch Me.

YOU can’t touch me anymore,
Passive resistance,
To your insistence,
And your assistants.
THEY can’t touch me anymore.
No, YOU can’t touch me anymore.

‘Cause I’m immune,
To your oppressive tune.
No longer sing the verse,
To your song perverse.

And YOU can’t crush me anymore,
I’ll keep my distance,
From your persistence,
– Active avoidance.
‘Cause YOU can’t touch me anymore.
No, YOU can’t touch me anymore.

‘Cause I’m immune,
To your oppressive tune.
Your music won’t resume,
And not a moment too soon.

And YOU won’t hurt me anymore,
Hollow confessions,
I’ve learnt the lesson,
No more concessions,
And YOU won’t touch me anymore,
No, YOU won’t touch me anymore.

‘Cause I’m immune,
To your oppressive tune.
Won’t sing the melody,
To the darkest rhapsody.

2nd May 1999